Is this it???
Today is Valentine’s Day and yes I am still single, although that’s not what bugging me. I have been doing some soul searching seeing as I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately.
I mean let me take me for an example. I have a good job… if you compare jobs that is (JOB meaning something I do to pay the bills) I always seem to be wearing my grin these days, mainly because it’s so much effort explaining to people why you’re not laughing or smiling. But to be honest if I did have the choice I think I would be crying my eyes out most of the time. And it’s not because I have nothing good in my life as a matter of fact I have a great family and the best friends any girl could ever ask for.
I just think of it this way that if I really had the choice to do whatever I wanted, would I be doing what I am doing now. And I fear that the more I ask myself this question the more I want to scream NOOOO!!!!
And to quote the Parlotones: “Funny face, It’s him you want but I’ll do in his place…” Is this what is happening to us? I mean I want to be an artist, I am an artist, but I have a job as a BD… Not a creative position at all, but it will do… (Note that the for now has fallen away) I would love to travel through Europe but going down to Plet will do…
Life seems to be diluted for me at this stage… I have no reason to cry, but here’s the catch do I have a reason for laughter? I don’t want to wake up at the age of 60 or 70 and ask if that was it. And it’s not just with what we all do with all our lives. This kind of mentality is seeping through to our relationships. We don’t argue for the right reasons anymore, because we just couldn’t be bothered I mean for F#@$* sake we put up with Suzies Bullshit and lies, because calling her on her shit would be non PC. So we sit in her GD conversation until the visions of slapping her unconscious consumes our very being – and for what? The fact of the matter is that it is impossible for everyone to be compatible with everyone. And it’s ok to not like someone. But because that isn’t respected, we lose respect for everyone. I have disliked many people, yet I have still managed to respect them at a distant. And it worked fine for me.
And somewhere along the line, I stopped respecting myself and gave in. I now endure endless boring conversations with people I don’t like. I do a job that I’m not particularly interested in and for what? So that I can pay my car (a car I didn’t particularly want, but needed) and my insurance on my car, so that when some idiot drives into me, I can fight with said Insurance company because they won’t pay out.
And for what??? So that I can look good to other people. It would seem that I have become a carbon copy of everyone else. "You're an original Baby, turn around and you're looking at a hundred more" Sheryl Crow
I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if I had no talent, no ambitions, and no dreams… But I’m a picean and all I seem to have left is dreams…
Thursday
Tuesday
Misconception and a lifelong lesson
And then I said goodbye. And it was over just like that. Now I’m not saying that it didn’t hurt, but I was over all the fighting and the not speaking and the despising every minute of every day spent with him. I did love him dearly, but it wasn’t working! It had taken me 6 months to get to that point, and I finally did.
That was the day I realized that the person I loved more than life itself had disappeared. Now before all of you start thinking that this is a whiney blog about the man I love… hahahahaha… IT’S not. It’s been a really long time since this has passed. And well peeps, what happened is what happens with all things over time – it gets corroded. When me and the ex BF broke up. I hated his guts… he had driven me to insanity… But like I said those feelings were corroded. And I now feel nothing for him, apart from the odd, OMG, I remember that day… Kinda moment. We lost touch, mainly because we had nothing to say to one another.
And I bare him no ill will. As a matter of fact I want him to be as happy as I am sometimes… The reason for this blog is as follows. I dreamt that he died. And in my dream I was very sad which I suppose is only natural. So I woke up in a panic and decided to check if he was ok… I could have left it and waited for a phone call from his mother if he had in actual fact died. But hey, I was worried – I am human after all… so I sent him a simple text message. Saying Hi, thought about you, are you doing ok? And that was it…
Nothing threatening, nothing overly excited – I was genuinely just checking if he was ok… That’s all… And I was raised with a certain degree of decency whereas when someone displays a concern for you, you respond either with I’m fine thank you, or no I’m dead. But no, nothing… So it is safe to say that I think it’s rude… Perhaps time hasn’t corroded away any of the hate feelings that he has for me… or perhaps he is just being a brat… I suppose the fact that I have moved on and can now appreciate our relationship for what it was (and take note WAS) is somewhat quick. And in assuming that he has moved forward into a mutual respect zone is assuming too much. I just suppose that I expected more as I do with everyone.
I tend to think that people are generally good. And that they don’t mean to hurt or upset people, because I don’t mean to hurt or upset people. And when I do, I feel really bad about it.
And that is where the misconception and lifelong lesson lies… People aren’t generally good, and well sometimes they just hurt and/or upset you on principle.
That was the day I realized that the person I loved more than life itself had disappeared. Now before all of you start thinking that this is a whiney blog about the man I love… hahahahaha… IT’S not. It’s been a really long time since this has passed. And well peeps, what happened is what happens with all things over time – it gets corroded. When me and the ex BF broke up. I hated his guts… he had driven me to insanity… But like I said those feelings were corroded. And I now feel nothing for him, apart from the odd, OMG, I remember that day… Kinda moment. We lost touch, mainly because we had nothing to say to one another.
And I bare him no ill will. As a matter of fact I want him to be as happy as I am sometimes… The reason for this blog is as follows. I dreamt that he died. And in my dream I was very sad which I suppose is only natural. So I woke up in a panic and decided to check if he was ok… I could have left it and waited for a phone call from his mother if he had in actual fact died. But hey, I was worried – I am human after all… so I sent him a simple text message. Saying Hi, thought about you, are you doing ok? And that was it…
Nothing threatening, nothing overly excited – I was genuinely just checking if he was ok… That’s all… And I was raised with a certain degree of decency whereas when someone displays a concern for you, you respond either with I’m fine thank you, or no I’m dead. But no, nothing… So it is safe to say that I think it’s rude… Perhaps time hasn’t corroded away any of the hate feelings that he has for me… or perhaps he is just being a brat… I suppose the fact that I have moved on and can now appreciate our relationship for what it was (and take note WAS) is somewhat quick. And in assuming that he has moved forward into a mutual respect zone is assuming too much. I just suppose that I expected more as I do with everyone.
I tend to think that people are generally good. And that they don’t mean to hurt or upset people, because I don’t mean to hurt or upset people. And when I do, I feel really bad about it.
And that is where the misconception and lifelong lesson lies… People aren’t generally good, and well sometimes they just hurt and/or upset you on principle.
Strange
I wake every morning in a strange bed
In a strange room, I wash my face
And get dressed, to live a strange life
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange, strange faces looking at me
I go to bed every night in a strange bed
In a strange room, I close my eyes
And drift off to dreamland to get away from a strange life.
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange, strange faces looking right at me
This is not my home away from home
And this is not my little life
Yet I live it every day of my life!
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange familiar faces looking at me.
I scream a silent scream in a strange bed
Every night in a strange room
Just before I drift away to dreamland
To get away from a strangers life
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking right at me
Only to realize the stranger used to be me.
How can it be, how can it be?
So many wrongs, so many tears
How exactly did I create this reality?
In a strange room, I wash my face
And get dressed, to live a strange life
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange, strange faces looking at me
I go to bed every night in a strange bed
In a strange room, I close my eyes
And drift off to dreamland to get away from a strange life.
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange, strange faces looking right at me
This is not my home away from home
And this is not my little life
Yet I live it every day of my life!
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking at me
Strange familiar faces looking at me.
I scream a silent scream in a strange bed
Every night in a strange room
Just before I drift away to dreamland
To get away from a strangers life
And as I drive down the road I see
Strange faces looking right at me
Only to realize the stranger used to be me.
How can it be, how can it be?
So many wrongs, so many tears
How exactly did I create this reality?
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