Is this it????

Is this it???
Today is Valentine’s Day and yes I am still single, although that’s not what bugging me. I have been doing some soul searching seeing as I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately.
I mean let me take me for an example. I have a good job… if you compare jobs that is (JOB meaning something I do to pay the bills) I always seem to be wearing my grin these days, mainly because it’s so much effort explaining to people why you’re not laughing or smiling. But to be honest if I did have the choice I think I would be crying my eyes out most of the time. And it’s not because I have nothing good in my life as a matter of fact I have a great family and the best friends any girl could ever ask for.

I just think of it this way that if I really had the choice to do whatever I wanted, would I be doing what I am doing now. And I fear that the more I ask myself this question the more I want to scream NOOOO!!!!

And to quote the Parlotones: “Funny face, It’s him you want but I’ll do in his place…” Is this what is happening to us? I mean I want to be an artist, I am an artist, but I have a job as a BD… Not a creative position at all, but it will do… (Note that the for now has fallen away) I would love to travel through Europe but going down to Plet will do…

Life seems to be diluted for me at this stage… I have no reason to cry, but here’s the catch do I have a reason for laughter? I don’t want to wake up at the age of 60 or 70 and ask if that was it. And it’s not just with what we all do with all our lives. This kind of mentality is seeping through to our relationships. We don’t argue for the right reasons anymore, because we just couldn’t be bothered I mean for F#@$* sake we put up with Suzies Bullshit and lies, because calling her on her shit would be non PC. So we sit in her GD conversation until the visions of slapping her unconscious consumes our very being – and for what? The fact of the matter is that it is impossible for everyone to be compatible with everyone. And it’s ok to not like someone. But because that isn’t respected, we lose respect for everyone. I have disliked many people, yet I have still managed to respect them at a distant. And it worked fine for me.

And somewhere along the line, I stopped respecting myself and gave in. I now endure endless boring conversations with people I don’t like. I do a job that I’m not particularly interested in and for what? So that I can pay my car (a car I didn’t particularly want, but needed) and my insurance on my car, so that when some idiot drives into me, I can fight with said Insurance company because they won’t pay out.
And for what??? So that I can look good to other people. It would seem that I have become a carbon copy of everyone else. "You're an original Baby, turn around and you're looking at a hundred more" Sheryl Crow



I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if I had no talent, no ambitions, and no dreams… But I’m a picean and all I seem to have left is dreams…